I've been told I'm gifted with children. That kids L.O.V.E. me. I joke about being super nanny. But I don't know about any of that. I hated being around kids for as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid, I really enjoyed spending time with adults. Don't get me wrong, playing with my siblings, cousins and friends was great and I did a ton of it, but I also liked coming back to the table to sit with the adults for a little bit while the other kids played. Adults always talked about cool things and I got a better understanding of life by listening to the people who were actually living it.
When I moved to Denver as an AmeriCorps volunteer to work in a low-income daycare I still didn't like kids. I'm not even sure how anyone convinced me to do it. But God had a plan. It wasn't 2 weeks into it and I was forever changed. I fell in love with pre-schoolers. Yeah...3 year olds. And I'm not joking, a little guy named Romeo stole my heart. And once I walked into the infant room there was no going back. Before I knew there was a God, I knew that I was put on this earth to be a mother. Eventually, I realized that it was God who put me on this earth with that desire and since then I've prayed without ceasing for that very thing.
Years have passed and without children of my own, I've used my passion to help care for other people's children. At times it's been really hard, other moments have been pure joy. There have been moments where I've wanted to throw in the towel because caring for kids who aren't mine sometimes felt like asking an alcoholic to tend bar. I honestly believe God never intended an unmarried, childless woman to have so much knowledge about and insight into marriages, raising children, family dynamics. I've seen things that make me reconsider marriage and children altogether. But as much as I'd like to try and convince myself that I don't really want it, my heart knows otherwise.
Does God have a plan for me? Sure. I believe that with every fiber of my being.
Does that plan involve a husband and children? I don't know.
That's hard for people to hear. Most people tell me it's coming, all my hopes and dreams will come true. The truth is...we don't know that. No where is it written that Linsey Ann Collier will marry and have children and live happily ever after. It's taken me years to be able to say, and honestly mean that whatever God has in store for me is what I want. I pray, and I ask you to pray with/for me, that the desires of my heart align with His desires for me. That the deepest desire be to walk with Him, honor Him, glorify Him and further His kingdom. If that comes through marriage and children, so be it. If that will best be accomplished if I remain single, so be it.
I recently met an amazing woman who told me we need to do away with Christian niceties...when life isn't ok, we should stop saying, "everything is fine" and when someone is hurting we shouldn't throw Truth out the window just to make them feel better. It is not our job to make people feel better. It is not your job to make me happy. I need you to meet me where I'm at, in good times and bad. If that's uncomfortable for you, that's ok. If you don't know what to say, simply be there for me in silence. Please stop telling me things are "fine" when I don't believe them to be. Because when you tell me they're fine it doesn't allow me to process through my emotions of it not feeling fine to me. Please instead tell me Truth. Tell me that though I may feel alone, God will never leave me or forsake me. Tell me that you're going to be there for me and that you're a safe place to bring my burdens. Tell me that I was not given a spirit of fear. That we were never guaranteed rainbows and butterflies all of our days and just because things aren't going according to my plan, that doesn't mean God doesn't have a plan. Or, just say nothing.
Can we all agree that when we say things to make someone feel better, it's really just to make ourselves feel better? Let's allow people to feel their full range of emotions, even if that makes us uncomfortable. And lets take a cue from MTV, in all it's infinite wisdom...lets stop being nice and start getting real.
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