The 15 Year Temper Tantrum

I have a bad attitude. 


Growing up I hated kids and figured I'd be some sort of career woman with long hours, fancy clothes, big paychecks and a trophy husband waiting for me at the door when I got home.

Then, my world changed.

I signed up to be an AmeriCorps volunteer when I was 20. I moved to Denver with 2 friends and worked in a low-income daycare. Yes, I know, I just said I hated kids but I signed up to work in a daycare...I didn't get it either.

Anyway, the placed me in the preschool room and after about a week I was in love with too many 3 year olds to count. Romeo, yes that's the kid's real name, was my favorite. He was polite, kind, funny and oh so sweet. He also was super cute. Jose is still the only 3 year old I've ever known to wear boxers, a thin gold chain and cologne. Jovianni threw up in my hands...they teach you to never try to catch vomit in your hand-you know, disease, virus, ext. spread through bodily fluids...plus, it's just gross. Well, he told me he was going to be sick and as I carried him to the bathroom, I held out my free hand and let him throw up into it. I knew then that I'd never be the same.

A few weeks later I was asked to fill in during lunch breaks in the infant room. I fell in love. The way these babes changed me, I will never fully understand. I knew then, that I was MADE to be a mom. That was the reason I was born. I was meant to care for and protect children. I still didn't believe in God at this time, but I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was CREATED to have babies.

Fast forward 15 years...I don't have kids. I'm not a mom. I've spent the majority of those 15 years with other people's kids. And while I wouldn't change that for the world, I still believe I was made for more. I was made to raise a family of my own. I know with every fiber of my being that God (who I now believe created me) designed me to be a mom.

But I'm not a mom. I don't have kids to raise. What am I supposed to do with this desire that fills my heart? When, if ever, will I be a mom with kids of my own? When will I stop helping other people raise their kids and finally get to raise my own?

I don't have answers to these questions, I know that only God does.

For the past 15 years I've been set on raising my own family. Being a wife and mom. I want nothing more than to get married and start a family. It just hasn't happened. But instead of finding another passion, another way to honor God, I've been throwing a fit. A huge, 15 year long temper tantrum. I'm not getting my way and instead of moving on, I keep going back to this:

I know you created me to be a mom.
I'm not a mom.
I don't understand why you're withholding this from me.
I'm mad.
I'm going to stand here and hold my breath until I get what I want.

So, instead of investing in some other career, or hobby, or interest, I've been stagnant, frozen with anger and confusion. Not using my time wisely. Not giving in to God's plan but standing firm in my own selfish ideas of how my life should be.

Until I change this attitude, nothing is going to sound interesting. I'll probably continue to dismiss any new possibilities that come my way, and I'll miss out on more amazing things.

It's time for an attitude adjustment. 

The Fight From Within

Why are we so hard on ourselves? 

If you listen to almost anyone speak, you'll hear the most hurtful, negative things come out of their mouth when they're talking about themselves. Women are especially great at this. Several years ago one of my girlfriends told me she didn't want to hear any negative self-talk. I was like, ok no problem. But then I realized that close to half of the stuff that came out of my mouth was actually bashing myself in some way.

Since then I've adopted this mentality, and though I'm not perfect (just a fact) I have gotten much better about stopping harmful speak before it comes out of my mouth.

I hear everything I say and I'm with myself more than anyone else...if I have nothing good to say about myself why would anyone else? If I can't find a reason to love myself, how will anyone else? If I can't eliminate hate speech (because, face it ladies, that's essentially what it is) about myself, will I begin accepting it when others say it to me? If I wouldn't say those words to my sister or friend, why would I think it's ok to say them to myself?

There's enough pressure coming from the outside that we don't need it coming from within too. And as women, we should be cheering on one another, raising each other up instead of bashing and pushing others down.  A few things I've learned that have helped with this:

1. Not everyone has the same goals. My goals at the moment might have me going in a very different direction than your goals have you going. This moment in time will not look the same for everyone. And that's ok.

2. Not everyone wants to look the same. As in: some people want to have a 6 pack, others truly don't. Some think "waif thin" is the way to go and others are all about that bass. 

3. If I am doing what is healthy for me, good job! But that doesn't mean it's what's right for everyone. And I'm happy you decided to be vegan, glad that's making you happy, but I'm going to continue eating bacon until it kills me (because you just told me it will, but I don't care) and that's ok too.

4. Looks can be deceiving. The old saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" has stuck around for a reason--it's TRUE! Everyone has demons, everyone has hang up, challenges, struggles...just because they only put their "best self" on social media doesn't mean their life is actually perfect.

5. Nobody knows what's right for me, except me. Sure, there are a lot of people out there who know a lot more about a lot of things than I do but when it comes right down to it, what I end up doing is my choice. And the same goes for you.

6. I wouldn't spend my day, or any portion of it, with someone who continuously told me I was ugly, fat, had gross hair, getting wrinkles, wasn't smart or funny enough, was a loser and quitter, couldn't measure up, etc, etc. Why do we spend all day with this exact loop running through our heads?

It's not ok.

When you can stop that loop of nonsense, and begin to truly love yourself for the person you were created to be, you'll see that loving others becomes a lot easier.