Stirring The Pot

Clearly God is stirring something up in me. And I'm ok with that, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm acutely aware of where I've fallen short...

This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

Just the first few lines even...just so honest, raw and vulnerable.

I am guilty
Ashamed of what I've done, of what I've become
These hands are dirty
I dare not lift them up to the Holy One.

Who hasn't felt like that at some point? It is exactly how I've been feeling. I know that Jesus loves me and accepts me no matter what I do. But it's hard to face Him when you know you've been walking your own path...big or small steps away are still steps in the wrong direction.

How can it be Lord? That you would give your life for mine? You would die that I may live...I don't understand it. I can't fathom that much love. That's why You are God and I am not.


Are you kidding me with all you've done for me? How lucky am I to have a God that loves me this much? Who bought me with His blood...blood, folks...that's the highest price there is. 

In life, one of my biggest fears is letting people down, I just hate how that feels. And to feel like I've let God down brings an aching to my heart that I just can't explain.

I've been hiding
Afraid I've let you down
Inside I doubt
That you still love me
But in Your eyes there's only
Grace now 

Luckily, Jesus is a far better Savior than I am a sinner...

 

A Little Bit...

When I was growing up I heard this saying over and over again... a little bit goes a long way. I never really understood that because I'm a "some is good, more is better. Even more is even better" type of person.

But I'm learning that a little bit is ok. Sometimes, even beneficial. I've learned that I CAN eat a whole pack of Oreos, but that doesn't mean I should...because I felt really sick afterwords. It's really hard for me, but in the case of Oreos, a little bit* is enough. Exercise is another thing that is not beneficial in excess...your body needs rest, recovery time and love, I learned that I can't push myself hours a day, every single day for weeks on end. That's just not healthy for me.

On Monday I was reminded that a little bit does in fact go a long way. In the midst of this season of upheaval, change, unknown, adventure, whatever you want to call it, I've been seeking something to call my own, something that connects me to this place and gives me a purpose. I prayed that morning for God to soften my heart to new opportunities, help me find a community here and to show me how I can make Him a bigger part of my daily life.

A woman reached out to me about helping her do some organization in her home and other miscellaneous tasks. What I thought might end up being nothing more than a few afternoons of cleaning out her closets, actually turned into so much more. This woman is a strong Christian, looking for help with home administration, organization and scheduling, as well as help getting her ministry off the ground...a ministry that will be geared towards women's ministry leaders. 

God reminded me in no time flat that with a little bit of faith, He can take you a long way. That there doesn't always need to be huge changes to change your perspective. 

*For clarification purposes, when it comes to Oreos, "a little bit" means anything less than half the package.

First

This song.

I heard it every single time I was in the car this past week...didn't matter if I was driving 30 min or just 5...this song played.

It's been stuck in my head.

I wish I could sing like this. Sometimes I feel like my emotions would be so much better conveyed if I could sing. But, I can't...I'll leave it to Ms. Daigle.



I've been going through a lot of change the past year+ and I have been guilty of letting life creep in and take over the places I've long held for God to occupy...the depths of my heart, the forefront of my brain, my first thought when I wake and the last before I fall asleep.

It's time to fall on my knees and approach the throne with a humble heart, willing to be molded into who He created me to be. Instead of trying to make my way through this world with my own strength, I need to lean, once again, upon Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. Giving Him glory, honor and praise.

To seek Him first. More than anything I want, I want You first.

The Brain Storm

It's been a long and interesting week...my brain is a little scattered, there's all sorts of stuff swirling around in there and usually when I can't find the words to express what's going on inside my noggin, I turn to Pinterest...here are a few of this weeks finds...in no particular order:

I'm Doing My Best

If you've ever spent 10 minutes in conversation with me, you know that I'm a SUPER over-thinking, self-reflective, analytical yet super emotional kind of person. So, I love journaling. I recently got two new journals (because one clearly isn't enough) and I'm loving them. 

One is a super awesome fitness journal  that is helping me keep track of workouts, plus all the other things that go into being a healthy person...gratitude, inspiration, reflection...this journal has it all. 

The second one is a guided journal that caught my eye because this is the cover:

Each set of pages has a quote of some sort and then says "How I'm working on myself today"  and I write something each morning then check back in before bed to see how I did...did I end up working on myself today? Did I reach the goal I set out for myself in the morning? If not, why? How can I change that for tomorrow? If so, I need to recognize that and celebrate it!

Today's quote was from my dear friend F. Scott Fitzgerald:

In any case you mustn't

confuse a single failure 

with a final defeat.

The truth is, I feel defeated a lot. I strive for perfection and wind up disappointed in myself time and time again. In recent days I've decided to look at life as an adventure, and while it may not turn out like I want/expect, it is part of a bigger picture/plan. Viewing it this way instead of as a masterpiece I must not mess up will enable me to enjoy it (life and the adventure) rather than dread it. That's the hope anyway!

I also decided that I need to answer a few questions about myself...who am I? What do I stand for? What are my goals and what will it take for me to achieve them?

That's kind of a lot at once so I decided to tackle them one at a time...all organizations and companies have mission statements, I think I should too...this is what I've come up with so far:

I am a child of God. He created me out of love, to further His kingdom, extend His love to others, be His hands and feet on earth and to bring Him glory. 

Jesus is my Savior and redeemer of my soul. I look to Him, who has given me Life, as the only perfect example of love, grace, mercy, truth and hope.

I will seek out, and yield to, the Holy Spirit. Where I am led, I will willingly follow as I set myself aside to do the work of God which he determined before time began. 

So...that's a start. Do you have a personal mission statement? If so, I'd love to hear it!

A Broken Shoe

Yesterday I worked 12.5 hours with fussy fat baby. It was Sunday and on Sundays I go to church. Sure, taking someone else's baby to church is different than most Sundays, but still...I was determined.

Well, fussy fat baby was SUPER fussy. But that wasn't going to stop me.
Getting a baby and all required accoutrements together is no small feat. But that wasn't going to stop me.
I thought church was at 10. It was at 1045. That wasn't going to stop me either.
Walking into church my shoe broke. That stopped me.

And there were tears. 

Sometimes you just have to throw your broken shoe in the car and take yourself home...or, in this case, to fat baby's house. 

I know it was just a shoe. But I had overcome so much to just get to the church parking lot...it would have been so much easier to just stay home with the baby and forget about church. But I was set on worshipping Christ today. In that building. With those people. At 1045. But I let a dumb shoe bring me to tears.

Lately, it doesn't take much. There's just been so much change in my life that my compass is spinning and that's hard for me. I know there are people going through actual things in their lives...disease, death, hardships...and for you I will continue to pray. But today, my silly shoe felt like a hardship. 

And to me, it wasn't just a shoe. It was a sign...a sign that no matter what I do it's never enough, that I'm never going to reach my goals, that I'm on the wrong path, etc, etc, etc...

But really, it's just a sign that I've worn out those shoes...

Time to simmer down and right my ship so the compass stops spinning.

And I know I can't do it alone...it's all about Jesus, because if a broken shoe can bring me to tears, I know I can't be trusted with the heavy lifting...

No Stranger Danger Here

I spent most of the day yesterday with a girl I've never actually met before. I drove an hour to get to her house, where when I arrived we embraced like lifelong friends. We spent the next few hours sitting on the couch catching up, discussing all life's joys and struggles over a delicious salad, then chilling at the pool where we dove deeper into the things that have made us the people we are today.

Seriously, this salad was AMAZING...thanks Whitney!

It didn't feel like my first time meeting her. I honestly feel like I've known the girl for years. 

In the past 6 months Whitney has helped me in my pursuit to better health. She's answered every question I've thrown her way and has encouraged me to keep at it, even after setbacks and through bouts of laziness. She's inspired me to view my passion for health and helping others as a career...one where I set the hours and am able to decide how much/far/fast I go. 

She's helped me see past my comfort zone, shatter my fears and jump into a new adventure...for this, I'll be forever grateful!

So, what is it that I'm doing? Well...that's easy. I'm continuing on my health and fitness journey and helping others reach their goals as well...that looks different for everybody so there's not just one clear answer or path. If you'd like more information, want to discuss your goals or would like to be join my private online accountability/encouragement group, let me know! New group starts Monday!

This is what work looks like
when you're a Beachbody coach!

My Sally Field Moment

How I feel when EVERYONE shows up for my 2nd going away party...even though I'll be back (again) in 3 weeks...