Take a Breath

I hold my breath. Like, all the time. I blame the decade I spent as a competitive swimmer. I just don't really breathe that much or that deeply. When I get a massage they actually have to remind me to breathe...it's that bad.

It's cool though because I rarely get winded when I run...because, you know, I exercised for so long without breathing, that heck, it feels like vacation when I can breathe whenever I want!

The past few weeks I've really been focused on taking a breath. At work when I'm starting to get frazzled...take a breath. When I'm feeling like things aren't going my way or I just have no clue what God's up to...take a breath. It sounds silly, but it really helps. I think I go through my daily life only using the smallest percentage of my lungs and when I stop to actually breathe, just one full breath, my head clears, the pressure in my chest releases and life seems a little more manageable.

I'm super excited to be at the beach today. The salty air, the sound of waves crashing and the calm that surrounds this place...if you can't take a breath at the beach, there's no hope for you!

Many Pearls is going on a break...just for the rest of the week...I'm going to enjoy this time at the beach with full breaths and a clear, unburdened mind. I'll be back next week with all the usual goings-on.

Enjoy the week and weekend...and please, take a breath. You'll thank me.

The Wee One

Wee...as in little. Not as in something you do in the bathroom...

Right before Valentine's Day Connor came to visit for the morning. It was a blast having him here. We had a lovely family breakfast with Gramma Cindy and Grampa Kurt; went adventuring down the hill, through the woods and back up the hill; enjoyed making cookies with Gramma, playing with Grampa and of course doing an art project.

This kid is pure joy and if I spent every second of the day with him it still wouldn't be enough. My heart aches when I haven't seen him in a while and I love him so much it scares me to think how much I might (hopefully someday) love a kid of my own.


Big bites of whipped cream topped Mickey Mouse pancakes:

Adventuring with Auntie and Grampa:

We are SO BIG!

Exploring interesting things in the grass...

Making Valentine Cookies with Gramma:

The finished product for Connor's buddies

Arts and crafts time:

Grampa supervising the glue-stick usage

Sticking on the spots after Auntie paints on glue

My Love Bug made a Love Bug!

I can't wait for the arrival of #2 nephew in June. My heart is going to burst with all the love for these kiddos!

Kindness

I joke with my friends (and complete strangers) that I've never been known as the "nice girl" and it's true. In any group I've ever been in, I'm never the one people point out as the nicest. I'm known as silly, loud, sarcastic, loyal, and I'm sure a host of other things. And though I think most people would say I am nice, very nice in fact, they wouldn't label me as nice.

It took me a while to be ok with that. God gave me a whole host of attributes and it doesn't really matter to me what people call me or refer to me as because in the end, it's not between me and them, it's always between me and God.



That being said...being nice is a good thing. It's kind of a vanilla word though and I much prefer the word kind. 

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kind²

kīnd/

adjective

adjective: kind; comparative adjective: kinder; superlative adjective: kindest

1. having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.

   "she was a good, kind woman"

   synonyms:

   kindly, good-natured, kindhearted, warmhearted, caring, affectionate,loving, warm; More

   antonyms:

   inconsiderate, mean

   • used in a polite request.

     "would you be kind enough to repeat what you said?"

     synonyms:

     kindly, good-natured, kindhearted, warmhearted, caring, affectionate,loving, warm; More

     antonyms:

     inconsiderate, mean

   • (of a consumer product) gentle on (a part of the body).

     "look for rollers that are kind to hair"
   • archaic

     affectionate; loving.

     synonyms:

     kindly, good-natured, kindhearted, warmhearted, caring, affectionate,loving, warm; More

     antonyms:

     inconsiderate, mean

     
     

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     I found this 30 Day Kindness Challenge on Pinterest and thought it might be a fun personal challenge. I know it'd be too much pressure to check off one a day but I'm going to attempt one a week for now. I think some will be much easier than others (there are no parking meters here, btw) but I'm going to make my best effort to slowly but surly check them off the list. I want to make sure it's something that I do aside from my normal daily routine (like how I cook everyday for someone already so I need to make sure I'm cooking for a different someone for that to be checked off)

     
     

     Want to join me?

     
     

No More Niceties

God, and dozens of parents, have trusted me with the care of countless children. Seriously, at one point (about 2 years ago) I tried to count how many children I've watched, cared for, loved over the years and I couldn't keep track. Each family I've worked for, whether it be for a night or several years, has taught me things about life, relationships, family and myself. Kids are usually the greatest teachers you'll ever meet. Their honesty is, though at times brutal, always completely from the heart and never intended to inflict pain. I've learned that viewing life at 3 feet from the ground brings exponentially more joy than through my adult lenses. Not everyone loves kids, and that's ok, but I just don't get it.

I've been told I'm gifted with children. That kids L.O.V.E. me. I joke about being super nanny. But I don't know about any of that. I hated being around kids for as long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid, I really enjoyed spending time with adults. Don't get me wrong, playing with my siblings, cousins and friends was great and I did a ton of it, but I also liked coming back to the table to sit with the adults for a little bit while the other kids played. Adults always talked about cool things and I got a better understanding of life by listening to the people who were actually living it.

When I moved to Denver as an AmeriCorps volunteer to work in a low-income daycare I still didn't like kids. I'm not even sure how anyone convinced me to do it. But God had a plan. It wasn't 2 weeks into it and I was forever changed. I fell in love with pre-schoolers. Yeah...3 year olds. And I'm not joking, a little guy named Romeo stole my heart. And once I walked into the infant room there was no going back. Before I knew there was a God, I knew that I was put on this earth to be a mother. Eventually, I realized that it was God who put me on this earth with that desire and since then I've prayed without ceasing for that very thing. 

Years have passed and without children of my own, I've used my passion to help care for other people's children. At times it's been really hard, other moments have been pure joy. There have been moments where I've wanted to throw in the towel because caring for kids who aren't mine sometimes felt like asking an alcoholic to tend bar. I honestly believe God never intended an unmarried, childless woman to have so much knowledge about and insight into marriages, raising children, family dynamics. I've seen things that make me reconsider marriage and children altogether. But as much as I'd like to try and convince myself that I don't really want it, my heart knows otherwise. 

Does God have a plan for me? Sure. I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Does that plan involve a husband and children? I don't know.

That's hard for people to hear. Most people tell me it's coming, all my hopes and dreams will come true. The truth is...we don't know that. No where is it written that Linsey Ann Collier will marry and have children and live happily ever after. It's taken me years to be able to say, and honestly mean that whatever God has in store for me is what I want. I pray, and I ask you to pray with/for me, that the desires of my heart align with His desires for me. That the deepest desire be to walk with Him, honor Him, glorify Him and further His kingdom. If that comes through marriage and children, so be it. If that will best be accomplished if I remain single, so be it.

I recently met an amazing woman who told me we need to do away with Christian niceties...when life isn't ok, we should stop saying, "everything is fine" and when someone is hurting we shouldn't throw Truth out the window just to make them feel better. It is not our job to make people feel better. It is not your job to make me happy. I need you to meet me where I'm at, in good times and bad. If that's uncomfortable for you, that's ok. If you don't know what to say, simply be there for me in silence. Please stop telling me things are "fine" when I don't believe them to be. Because when you tell me they're fine it doesn't allow me to process through my emotions of it not feeling fine to me. Please instead tell me Truth. Tell me that though I may feel alone, God will never leave me or forsake me. Tell me that you're going to be there for me and that you're a safe place to bring my burdens. Tell me that I was not given a spirit of fear. That we were never guaranteed rainbows and butterflies all of our days and just because things aren't going according to my plan, that doesn't mean God doesn't have a plan. Or, just say nothing. 

Can we all agree that when we say things to make someone feel better, it's really just to make ourselves feel better? Let's allow people to feel their full range of emotions, even if that makes us uncomfortable. And lets take a cue from MTV, in all it's infinite wisdom...lets stop being nice and start getting real.

I Feel Like The One Losin'

As I was cleaning the house this weekend, listening to my "I Love Jesus" Pandora station, I realized I need to work on forgiveness. I've never considered myself one to hold a grudge. I'm not passive-aggressive. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm more aggressive-aggressive. I tend to blow up then I'm done. Once words are out of my mouth, the emotion is out of my heart. This method hasn't always served me well and in trying to soften my approach, I haven now created another issue...

I'm not talking about what's bothering me and it's causing me to hold in all those emotions that I used to let out in grand, earth-shaking fashion. I'm harboring resentment. This is not ok. Yelling is not the best way to communicate, but withholding forgiveness goes against the very beliefs I have built my life on.

Saying I'm a Christian (as in: Christ Follower) and holding back from others what God has given me through Christ makes me a hypocrite, a liar. 

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In Christ we are set free by the blood of his death, and so we have forgiveness of sins. How rich is God's grace

Ephesians 1:7

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Sometimes I think we forget that forgiveness and acceptance are two different things. I can forgive someone for doing something and still believe what they did was wrong. Forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about you. Or, should I say, me. 

While I was cleaning, this song came on. It starts with a few lines that really made me say, "Yeah, don't they know they're wrong?!"

I can't believe what she said 

I can't believe what he did

Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

Then this line hit me. Hard:

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them'Cause I feel like the one losin' 

Whoa.

Yeah, Father, I do need Your grace to forgive them. I can't do it under my own power. I could say I've tried, but that would be a lie. I'm still far too hurt to even try to forgive. I need You to step in and take this over because I may never get there on my own. And it's not serving me anyway. I'm in no way benefiting from holding onto this. I'm losing. it continues to eat at me. I go round and round with myself about how I've been wronged, how it's not fair, I deserve better. What's that doing for me? Um...nothing. That's what.

The song continues with this:

'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done.

And when did we decide forgiveness can be given only after we receive an apology? I told the girls I nannied that "I'm sorry" means changed behavior. The words are the first step in letting someone know you plan to do things differently in the future. Does someone saying I'm sorry make up for whatever wrong came your way? Probably not. It's more likely that their verbal promise to do things differently in the future just makes you a little less gun-shy going forward. But what happens when the person doesn't realize/think/acknowledge that they've done wrong to you? Can you then never apply the healing salve of forgiveness to the situation, to your heart?

Here's the answer to that:

We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound

Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

It's not simple, forgiveness isn't a one time thing. I will probably have to seek God on this over and over and over again. Forgiveness isn't a feeling you have. It's a decision you make. A decision you hand over to God because true forgiveness is beyond what we are capable of as mere humans. Luckily, it's God's speciality...after all, who else do you know that gave up their one and only Son as a sacrifice for forgiveness of others' wrongdoings?

Keeping in mind that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean things go back to how they were before. There's no reason to put yourself in the position to be hurt again in the same way. Forgiveness doesn't mean foolishness. I can forgive but I still need to protect my heart, establish boundaries that will allow me to provide better care for myself and not put myself in situations to have the same hurts happen again.

With God's hand in it, this irritating abrasive can be turned into another beautiful pearl.

Who are you withholding forgiveness from? Can I challenge you to seek God this week on how to work towards forgiving that person. How has God helped you with forgiveness in the past? Let's go on this journey together...post in the comments section so we know we aren't in this alone.

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And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Mark 11:25

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Good Eats

Ok, here are a few of the things I've been eating lately...

Southwestern Turkey Burgers in lettuce wraps
with veggies and spicy mayo! (yes, I used
turkey instead of chicken because that's what
I had on hand)

Bacon Zucchini Frittata with guac,
tomatoes and spicy mayo

A light breakfast: Egg over Cauli-Rice...
I added thin sliced green onion and 1/4 tsp each
garlic powder and dried parsley to the rice
near the end of cooking.

Scrambled eggs topped with fresh tomatoes,
avocado and red onion, drizzled with
spicy mayo and a side of bacon...yum!

Homemade Coconut Milk Oatmeal
topped with banana, cinnamon, toasted
almonds, pecans and coconut and a
little drizzle of honey.

I haven't been able to take photos of the meals I made from this meal plan simply because I've been working at night. I prep the meals before I leave in the afternoon but am not home when they are put together. I can tell you that we've enjoyed every recipe, and the pumpkin soup was AMAZING. I'll definitely be making that again!

I've been following this menu this week. 

And next week I'll be using this meal plan.

I have a few side recipes I want to try so I'll post about those too.

Let me know if you have any questions about a recipe, or if you need help figuring out modifications/substitutions, I'd love to help!

Joy And Footwear

People change. That's simply a fact of life. I'm a smart girl, I know that I'm continually growing and changing. That God is working in me, smoothing out the rough edges and he's placed people in my life that do that whole "iron sharpens iron" thing. Sometimes you don't realize how much you've changed until someone you haven't seen in a while comments about it or it's brought to your attention in some other way.

After living in Chicago for a few years I went back to Idaho for SiFri's wedding. There, I ran into a couple who had known me as their barista at Sbux, and as an acquaintance to their daughters. At the wedding they both approached me and commented on how happy I seemed. They explained that even though I had always smiled and never said anything to them about being miserable, they could tell just by looking at me that things were not ok. This sweet couple said they'd prayed for me, that I would find joy. And they felt their prayers had been answered these years later because just one look at me assured them that something had drastically changed and happiness was part of my life.

Whoa!

I had no idea they had been praying for me. I had no idea they could tell something wasn't right. I didn't even know I wasn't happy back then. That little 2 minute conversation gave me some perspective and allowed me to see just how much had changed in my life.

To be completely honest...I was going through a rough time and was not feeling happy at all when they approached me at the wedding. Life was hard and things were not going as planned, my heart was in shreds and I felt lost. But they were right...I'd found joy. Different than happiness, joy goes beyond circumstances. It's the foundational belief that God is who He says He is and you are who He says you are. No matter what's going on in your life, you are a child of the One True King. He has plans for you and will never leave you or forsake you. These are BIG things. And they don't disappear. Ever. Knowing that, believing it and living it...that's joy.

Sometimes things aren't as profound.

Like this weekend when I got dressed for my friend's baby shower...

Traditionally I'm a casual/sporty dresser. I've adopted the term athleisure actually. In high school I wore XL t-shirts and jeans. Mind you, I was a good 30 lbs lighter in high school and I only wear medium shirts now...what was I thinking?!?! I don't do flashy or loud prints, bright colors or trends...I'm a basics kind of girl. I'm also about comfortable footwear and because my feet are narrow and I have foot issues, I usually rock running shoes, flip flops or flat boots...because all those things feel like slippers on my feet but look a littler nicer.  My general goal is to leave the house feeling like I'm wearing pajamas but not looking like it.

Here I was getting dressed for the baby shower and I found myself asking a question I never thought I'd utter...the brown boots over skinny jeans or the animal print ballet flats?

I went with the ballet flats.

Huh?! 

What?!

Who am I???

I know this is normal for a lot of women, but this is not the Linsey I've always been.  And you know what, I'm ok with that.

Should I also tell you that I wore a statement necklace too? Gasp!

The always stylish Mama Cindy

Me, my necklace, and Mandi the mom-to-be!
Love this girl!

Can't wait to meet you next week
Baby Kameron!!