I Feel Like The One Losin'

As I was cleaning the house this weekend, listening to my "I Love Jesus" Pandora station, I realized I need to work on forgiveness. I've never considered myself one to hold a grudge. I'm not passive-aggressive. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm more aggressive-aggressive. I tend to blow up then I'm done. Once words are out of my mouth, the emotion is out of my heart. This method hasn't always served me well and in trying to soften my approach, I haven now created another issue...

I'm not talking about what's bothering me and it's causing me to hold in all those emotions that I used to let out in grand, earth-shaking fashion. I'm harboring resentment. This is not ok. Yelling is not the best way to communicate, but withholding forgiveness goes against the very beliefs I have built my life on.

Saying I'm a Christian (as in: Christ Follower) and holding back from others what God has given me through Christ makes me a hypocrite, a liar. 

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In Christ we are set free by the blood of his death, and so we have forgiveness of sins. How rich is God's grace

Ephesians 1:7

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Sometimes I think we forget that forgiveness and acceptance are two different things. I can forgive someone for doing something and still believe what they did was wrong. Forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about you. Or, should I say, me. 

While I was cleaning, this song came on. It starts with a few lines that really made me say, "Yeah, don't they know they're wrong?!"

I can't believe what she said 

I can't believe what he did

Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?

Maybe there's something I missed

But how could they treat me like this?

It's wearing out my heart

The way they disregard

Then this line hit me. Hard:

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them'Cause I feel like the one losin' 

Whoa.

Yeah, Father, I do need Your grace to forgive them. I can't do it under my own power. I could say I've tried, but that would be a lie. I'm still far too hurt to even try to forgive. I need You to step in and take this over because I may never get there on my own. And it's not serving me anyway. I'm in no way benefiting from holding onto this. I'm losing. it continues to eat at me. I go round and round with myself about how I've been wronged, how it's not fair, I deserve better. What's that doing for me? Um...nothing. That's what.

The song continues with this:

'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right

For me to turn a blind eye

Though I guess it's not that much

When I think of what You've done.

And when did we decide forgiveness can be given only after we receive an apology? I told the girls I nannied that "I'm sorry" means changed behavior. The words are the first step in letting someone know you plan to do things differently in the future. Does someone saying I'm sorry make up for whatever wrong came your way? Probably not. It's more likely that their verbal promise to do things differently in the future just makes you a little less gun-shy going forward. But what happens when the person doesn't realize/think/acknowledge that they've done wrong to you? Can you then never apply the healing salve of forgiveness to the situation, to your heart?

Here's the answer to that:

We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not

Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound

Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

It's not simple, forgiveness isn't a one time thing. I will probably have to seek God on this over and over and over again. Forgiveness isn't a feeling you have. It's a decision you make. A decision you hand over to God because true forgiveness is beyond what we are capable of as mere humans. Luckily, it's God's speciality...after all, who else do you know that gave up their one and only Son as a sacrifice for forgiveness of others' wrongdoings?

Keeping in mind that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean things go back to how they were before. There's no reason to put yourself in the position to be hurt again in the same way. Forgiveness doesn't mean foolishness. I can forgive but I still need to protect my heart, establish boundaries that will allow me to provide better care for myself and not put myself in situations to have the same hurts happen again.

With God's hand in it, this irritating abrasive can be turned into another beautiful pearl.

Who are you withholding forgiveness from? Can I challenge you to seek God this week on how to work towards forgiving that person. How has God helped you with forgiveness in the past? Let's go on this journey together...post in the comments section so we know we aren't in this alone.

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And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Mark 11:25

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