Afraid of Fun

I've recently realized that its really hard for me to have fun. I'm not good at relaxing either. I grew up in a house that was always on edge and very intense. We did things that should have been fun, but more often than not, some sort of event/trauma/drama would occur leading up to said fun event and we'd all just push through with forced smiles. 

Ok, that sounds really harsh. I did have fun with my family growing up. We did fun things and my parents tried to give us as much happiness as they could. That being said...for every ounce of intense, rigid, inflexible, stubborn, black/white that I am...Papa was 100 times more. At points I remember being told to "have fun whether you like it or not" no joke! 


Papa was worried we'd get hurt so we were taught to be scared of things. I know he just wanted to protect me and keep be safe but as an adult, I struggle to just let loose, relax, throw caution to the wind and let my hair down. I desperately want to have fun though and when I'm surrounded by those who so easily throw themselves into things with smiles on their faces, I get jealous. I want to be able to do that too.

There's only one thing to do...practice having fun...because that's what rigid, over-thinking perfectionist, type "A" personalities do...we have solutions to problems and if you aren't good at something then practice is the answer.

This past weekend I took a step out of my comfort zone and crossed something off ye ol' bucket list...I completed a mud run. I've always wanted to but just never have. I was nervous...I've read articles about people slipping under the mud and being trampled to death, and others about people being hospitalized because they accidentally ingested some manure-laden mud. And I was scared...what if I can't do it? What if I can't pull myself up the rope or if I fall when I get to the top? But guess what...I did it! Nobody got hurt, we all had fun and I'm pretty sure I'll be doing it again!

It's funny that I'm so terrible at taking risks and having fun. Almost every one of my close friends are pretty fearless and tend to jump right into anything and everything. I've always envied that about them...well, no more! It's time for change! Little by little I'm going to work at becoming more like them in this way instead of sitting on the sidelines being scared.

Before and after the race!