The Light Has Overcome

This is part 2 of my story...for part 1 please click here

In the weeks and months that passed after learning of the miscarriage, I fell into a pit of depression. I had lost my father only 2.5 years prior and struggled to see light in the world. Everywhere I looked, everything I saw looked dark. How was I going to go through the rest of my life with the heavy weight of despair riding on my shoulders and in my heart?

I remember being by the lake one day and thinking that there had to be more. There had to be a bigger reason for me than just to do whatever I wanted. If I was only alive for making myself happy, well...that just wasn't enough. I needed more. I wanted more. My heart cried out for more and my weary soul knew I was made for more. 

I want to be clear...suicide was never something that crossed my mind. Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts but that's not what was happening here. I never wanted to die... the opposite actually...my soul was screaming to me that it wanted to LIVE. 

One day, about 9 months after the miscarriage I had a Sunday morning off work and decided to go to church with boyfriend, who regularly attended. I knew I needed to check out this "Jesus thing" once and for all so I could finally make a decision about whether it all was just a bunch of crap (which is what I thought I'd determine) or if He really is the Savior of the world. Over the next few months I continued to attend church and sought out guidance from one of the girls I worked with (who is now my bestie). 

I found the Bible to be the Word of God. Jesus to be the Spotless Savior He claimed to be. God became my loving father instead of the wicked puppet-master I'd previously pictured Him to be. But the hurt, sadness and anger I felt about the miscarriage persisted. They say time heals all wounds. I find that to be a total lie. Time doesn't heal all wounds, you just become more accustomed to living with an open wound. 

Boyfriend became fiancé and then we eventually broke up. I moved across the country and started a new life in Chicago with two of my best friends. I dove into my newfound faith and was baptized in lake Michigan at the end of July 2008. But the pain persisted. It took years (until about 2011) for me to see the good that came out of that terrible experience. As I sat in a hotel room in Uganda sharing my story with a girl I'd just met the day before, I realized that though I'll always feel the loss of my baby and my desire to be a mother only grows as time passes, God used the miscarriage for good.

I believe that bad things happen to good people but though God allows them, that doesn't mean He causes them. Take Job for instance...God allowed Satan to mess with Job to prove his faith but it wasn't God doing the terrible things. Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world (thanks Adam and Eve...) but God will use ALL things for His good if we just get out if His way a minute.

Now, sitting here, 10 years later, I see how much God has worked in and through me. I miss my daughter every single day (I'm convinced my baby would have been a girl) but because of the miscarriage I've experienced some things I never would have been able to had I not...

• I came to Christ because of my grief and sadness
• God has given me not one, but THREE Ugandan daughters and I wouldn't give them up for all the world.
• God has taken me to Uganda twice and Haiti once, I know this wouldn't have happened if I had a baby at home
• I've been able to be there for other women who have miscarried in a way only someone who has gone through the experience could be. When I walked in to be with one of my friends I knew that God had prepared me "for such a time as this"
• I've moved around, changed jobs, traveled, all without having to worry about how it would affect anyone else...God has opened doors I've been able to walk thrbecause I'm only responsible for myself

It took a long time but finally the scales tipped...the sadness and loss will always be with me but the Good that has come because of this has overcome...the LIGHT has shutout the darkness.